Telling your grown children you are dating again

Telling a grown child that you are dating again can feel harder than the first date. There is no script for it, but there is some research and a fair amount you can prepare.

Does dating damage your relationship with your children?

In some families it can, and in others it brings people closer. In one study of older widowed people, the outcome depended on what the relationship had been like before.

The Changing Lives of Older Couples study began with 1,532 married people in the Detroit area. Widowers who were interested in dating six months after their loss reported less support and more conflict with their children. Widowers who did date grew less close to children where the relationship was already strained, and closer where it had always been good. Widows who were interested in dating reported better relationships with their children.

Dating also took a harsher toll on relationships with daughters than with sons. The study does not say why, and one group of people in one part of the country cannot speak for every family.

Starting the conversation

The best moment is before the relationship is serious, so that it never feels like something you kept from them. These suggestions come from common sense rather than research.

• Choose a quiet time and say it plainly, in your own words.
• Say what you mean: meeting someone does not replace their mother or father.
• Ask how they feel, then listen before you answer.
• Take it slowly. You can talk about dating long before you introduce anyone.

If it does not go well

A first reaction is not always the last. Your children may be grieving too, and the news can bring that back. Keep seeing them, keep talking, and give it time.

If it stays difficult, a bereavement counselor or family therapist can help the whole family find a way through.