When is it okay to date again after losing a partner?
There is no date on the calendar that makes it right. Here is what one study found about when widowed people began dating, and some ways to judge your own readiness.
In short
- There is no set time after losing a partner that makes dating right. It varies a great deal.
- In one study of 350 widowed people, 61% of men and 19% of women were in a new romance or remarried by 25 months.
- The authors found dating common after a loss and described it as appearing highly adaptive.
- You can start slowly: reading profiles and chatting comes well before any date.
Nobody can tell you the right moment, and this page will not try. It can show you what researchers have seen, and offer some questions to ask yourself.
Is there a right amount of time?
No. The research shows a wide spread rather than a deadline.
In a study that followed 249 widows and 101 widowers for 25 months, 61% of the men and 19% of the women had remarried or were in a new romance by the end. The women also described more negative feelings about new relationships than the men did.
That is a picture of what happened to one group of people in San Diego. It is not advice about what you should do, and nobody in it was wrong.
Schneider, Sledge, Shuchter and Zisook, Annals of Clinical Psychiatry, 1996: the San Diego Widowhood Project, 249 widows and 101 widowers, questioned at 2, 7, 13, 19 and 25 months after the loss.
Does dating get in the way of grieving?
The same researchers concluded that it need not. They found dating and remarriage common after a loss, and described them as appearing to be highly adaptive behaviours among the recently bereaved.
People who were in a new relationship at 25 months also scored better on psychological wellbeing. That is a link, not proof that the relationship caused it. Someone who is already coping well may simply feel readier to date.
Dating also does not mean grief is finished. Many people find that missing their husband or wife and enjoying someone new's company happen side by side.
Questions to ask yourself
Only you can judge whether you are ready, and a few honest questions help more than a calendar.
- Do I want to meet someone, or is someone else pushing me to?
- Could I enjoy an evening of conversation, or does the thought still feel too heavy?
- Would I want a new person to hear about my late husband or wife, and how would I like them to respond?
- What pace feels comfortable: a few messages, a coffee, or nothing more than looking for now?
Starting gently
Dating again does not have to begin with a date. You can read profiles, see who is out there and say hello only if someone catches your interest. Stopping, or taking a long break, is always allowed.
On Second Love you can create a free account and browse other members' profiles before deciding whether to message anyone.
If grief is making everyday life hard, your doctor or a bereavement service can help, and dating can wait until you are ready.
Ready to look, at your own pace?
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